My sister told me this morning she thinks she is pregnant. She took 2 tests, both are positive. She is pregnant. I'm happy for her, they were wanting to start trying this year for number 3. But I am so insanely jealous it's not funny. It's taking all my might not to burst into tears. Why her and not me?
Unless you have either wanted a baby and not fallen right away or wanted a baby and not been in the position to get pregnant, I don't think you'd understand that tug right in your gut, that makes you feel physically nauseous all the time and that ebbing of pure vile jealousy when you see someone with a bump or newborn. Whether you have a child or not, doesn't stop it happening.
I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I just want to sleep and never wake up. The pang of needing to be pregnant is taking over my life. I remember being like this last time, my friend text me to tell me she had given birth and I burst into tears at work and I couldn't work all day, the feeling got worse and worse. I was pleased for her, it was lovely to see her being a mum and I know how much she wanted that baby, but omg, it just tears you apart.
I am piling on the pounds, I cant stop myself. I feel terrible, so I eat. It makes me feel worse, but I don't want to stop. It's like I'm on a quest to make my life more miserable than I already feel. Is that why I'm not pregnant? Because I'm fat? I don't think so, lots of fat people get pregnant. Is it because I'm still breastfeeding? I don't think so, lots of people who are still nursing fall pregnant. There is no reason for it, I just am not getting pregnant. It doesn't help that I have such self loathing that I can't bare to even look at my naked body. I feel nothing attractive about myself. My hair is suffering, and I'm losing loads of it. I'm starting to take a vitamin supplement for that, I've always had loads of hair, but even my mum commented on how thin and dead it looks recently.
I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out - well until I have another baby growing in my body anyway. I lay there at night remembering Hudson in utero, how I'd be laying there and feel his tiny body moving inside, how it made me feel so special to have that tiny person rely totally on me to protect it and help it grow. Maybe that is why I'm still breastfeeding, it still gives me that control, that ability to help him grow and be strong and love me. Is that a bad thing?
I am going to see my sister tonight for a girls night, and I have to sit there all night keeping her secret from everyone else, all the while being a happy go lucky girl, hiding the black hole that is burrowing its way deeper into my soul. Great.
4 comments:
Just wanted to leave you some big hugs, I'm so with you on everything you put - you are not along in how you feel. Take care sweetie, Janet xx
aw im so sorry laurs! i know its something that is very important to you, but maybe if you can stop thinking about it and putting so much pressure on it, it will happen. take time to go on long walks with huds - that'll help weight AND you'll be with your one babe. focus on other things in your life and when you REALLY feel like you cant get out of bed - drag your hubby back in with you ;) at least you'll be productive!! <3 you soooooooooooooooooo much girl!!
Thanks girls, I know its probably hormones making me feel worse. Yesterday I felt fine and today I feel ok, just a bit off yanno.
I don't do any exercise, but, I work with mum most days and we are on our feet all day long and must walk miles around the workboard, plus running around after Hudson in the garden. Dan is taking up rollerblading again (ahem queue early midlife crisis) and when Huds gets his car in a couple of weeks, I'm going to get a bike and we can all go out together and both me and Dan can work off our chub.
Honey feel for you, wanted to send hugs.
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